It’s time to tackle my ultimate challenge as a magician. I have been obese since I was ten years old. My wife has been overweight since her teens. In me, it has caused the onset of Type II Diabetes. In my wife, it has destroyed her gallbladder and her knees. Every year, the list of things we are unable to do physically gets longer. This has to stop. If I can break my addiction to over-eating and keep up on an effective physical regime that gets me below 200 pounds, and help my wife do the same, I would consider it a testament to my powers as a magician.
I know it’s going to take more than this one working. This will be a continuous magical war, with many battles, some of which I will lose, but ultimately I must prevail.
Oberbürgermeister von Darmstadt
Who is Oberbürgermeister von Darmstadt? One of my favorite episodes of the Futurama is when the main character, Fry, gets infected with uber-intelligent parasitic worms. Instead of making him weaker as most parasites do, these worms actually make him stronger. They work his muscles and even improve the pathways in his brain to make him smarter. What’s not to love? In the show, the leader of the parasites is the Lord Mayor of Cologne. In Germany, they translated this to Oberbürgermeister von Darmstadt, which means Lord Mayor of Intestine, which is apparently even more hysterical for them since there actually is a town called Darmstadt in Germany.
How do I get these miracle worms inside me? At first consideration, one would call this an invocation. But I’m not looking for this spirit to enter me in a metaphysical sense. I want it to live inside me sharing physical space. This requires an edible representation of the servitor.
The Creation
Nothing looks more like worms than pasta. The first step is to make the dough that will be used to shape the servitor. Any basic pasta recipe will do.
1 Cup all-purpose flour
½ teaspoon salt
1 egg
2 tablespoons water
Wisk together flour and salt. Form it into a mound on a clean work surface and hollow out the middle with your finger making it a ring.
Beat the egg and water together. Pour it into the flour ring.
Lightly mix and then knead the dough for 6-10 minutes.
Wrap the dough in plastic wrap and let sit for 30 minutes.
This gives us time for the magick bit. Inscribe on the dough package with a marker the sigil of Oberbürgermeister von Darmstadt.
Clear the temple space using the Gnostic Chaosphere Ritual.
Next, an invocation to aid in the creation, always good to have a god on your side. I have been thinking of adopting the Chaobala presented in The Epoch as my dominate paradigm for a while, and looking in that we see Sol as the deity of perfection of self. I have chosen to invoke him in the form of Amun-Ra. No need to reinvent the wheel, I found this interesting invocation at http://www.freewebs.com/m7amonra3/invocationtoamunra.htm. I like this invocation because it mentions making bread, and pasta is essentially boiled bread.*
“O Heavenly Creator, who resides above clouds in the distant sky, who watches the Living with your Eye, hear me. I am a pure soul. I have not sinned or insulted your majesty. I am a good and civil citizen who loves liberty and life. Grant unto me your guidance, your illumination, that I may use it to illuminate others. Fear not, for you are the Lord, O Amon-Ra, and no hardship may befall me, for I am your humble servant, and lay in your protective embrace. O Grand Creator and Designer of all Life, hear me and behold – for I lift up the earth, irrigate the fields, and drink of your nectar; I am one with the universe and am content. As you created my form and gave it destiny, so I create this bread and dine on it in your name. Holy, holy are thy arms who give light unto the world. I count the number of fingers that touch the ground, and see the loving flowers smiling in your presence. O Amon-Ra, Guardian of Time, giver of justice to the Two Lands, give us justice and tranquility. “
Place the dough ball on the altar and meditate on the sigil to empower the servitor. Then, at least a few moments of no-mind.
Speak the following incantation:
I call you forth mighty sovereign of worms.
Chew my fat and make me strong.
Fill my belly and stop my maw.
Make my muscles move, my body to improve.
Oberbürgermeister von Darmstadt, lead your people to my promised land, and make me a better man.
Get your pot boiling. Knead the dough a few more times and roll it out on a floured counter. While forming the final pasta, chant a sigilized statement of intent:
By my will I create Oberbürgermeister von Darmstadt – RULOVE STMDI BACNYGW
Then cut and form into worm shapes, one per customer, now’s not the time to over indulge.
Speak the following in Ouranian Barbaric:
BRERSINA HEV TEDADEXOG. IT JAFRIX DIBONGOF.
Loosely translated – Eat your fill. Be my will. An instruction to the servitor to take into itself excess calories and aid in dieting by increasing your willpower and inducing a feeling of fullness.
Swallow the worm whole, maybe with a little olive oil to help it down.
Close the temple.
Banish.
*Yes, I cut out the bits about sacrificing thousands of this and that to Ra, and smiting Babylon and all that. I don’t intend to dedicate every meal for the next decade to Ra, and I am most fond of Babylon.