Mental/Physical Condition: coming out of depression
So I have a mental illness. For the second time in my life, and maybe more that I have not recognized, I have gone through a serious bout of depression. Days when I find myself utterly without hope and weeping openly at the slightest thing, or for no particular reason at all. I think the last one was worse, when I actually felt suicidal. This time, not so much, but it was bad enough. Maybe I’ve had this all my life and it’s only now that I have true recognizable patterns. I don’t know. But I am feeling better.
I performed the Invocation of Chaos on Thursday out of a sense of duty. It did not go very well. I had a few moments that I was into it, but not much. I totally screwed the Ouranian Barbaric incantation at the end. Lucky for me the rest of the Knights have postponed their ritual until tomorrow, and it looks like they are basing their ritual off of mine. So I will try it again on Tuesday when we will all be working together. I am anxious to see if I feel anything different with the others performing the ritual at the same time.
On Friday things were rough. There was a time in the morning I had to leave work for twenty minutes lest I break down. On Friday evening I was out picking up tables for our garage sale with my brother-in-law. We had to work in the pouring rain. As we drove back, we were under billowing black clouds but up ahead it was pure sunlight from the setting sun, blinding us. I turned to him and said, “At least we could get a rainbow out of this shit.” Secretly, I wished I had enough magick in me to make such a thing occur. Even though I knew better to test magick just to see if will work, I wanted a sign to help get me out of my melancholy. We got out of the car and I started to trudge back into the house when my brother-in-law called out, “There’s your rainbow.” Sure as shit, there it was. A magnificent one, a complete double-bow shining out, surrounded by a golden glow. I went and got my wife and took her out for ice cream. As we drove, dozens of cars were pulled over to the side of the road just to watch the rainbow, it was that spectacular. So I’m taking credit for making a whole bunch of people’s lives a little better for just those few moments. Thank you Heimdall, for showing me the way.
So with a lot of shit now gone my garage has more space and is much better organized. Tonight, I will clean everything off my altar, wash the altar cloth, clean up the dried rose petals, and start fresh.