One more day off for recovery and then back to my regular magical practice. I have had an epiphany. It seems recent return to performing magick every day has once again returned me to thought processes that I cannot ignore. The feeling of anticipation at attending the gnostic mass this weekend and possibly meeting with a member of the A.’.A.’. has changed to dread. Not because I fear I am not worthy but because I know that my magical path does not fit with Thelema.

I constantly chide my Christian friends, “why don’t you change your bible?” Why doesn’t your particular flavor of Christianity hold a conclave, just as many have in the past, and make an official statement. That sections of the Old Testament that condone rape, slavery, and misogyny are not congruent with the teachings of Jesus and our current understanding of God, so we have decided to remove them from our teachings. They shall remain in archive for a deeper understanding of our history, but those passages will no longer be a part of the Bible we present as the example of our faith.

But they won’t do that. And I am fairly certain the reason they won’t do it is because there are those who want to keep those things around in case they need an excuse for the heinous things they do. They are afraid they might make mistakes and instead of having to admit they were wrong use the Bible as justification.

There are those that say as long as you believe in Jesus that you are still a Christian, and you don’t have to believe in those things. I say, if you are a true disciple of Jesus, why do you tolerate those teachings in your church?

I read the Book of the Law and I see the same thing. I see excuses for misogyny, and slavery, and violence. My Thelemite friends try to tell me that’s not what they really mean, that it’s a metaphor. So why not explain it? Why not say that in plain words? There are Thelemites who tell me that as long as I believe in the “Do as thou Wilt shall be the whole of the Law,” than I don’t have to acknowledge the rest. That’s the same BS excuse as “if you just believe in Jesus.”

So I can’t do it.

Part of my decision might have something to do with learning that the Illuminates of Thanateros are possibly active somewhere in North America. Perhaps. But my application and ability to join the IOT is a long shot. And even if I do, I’m not so sure I’ll fit in with them. I have shown that I simply cannot change my beliefs on a whim. I have a moral center.

Comedian Patton Oswalt moans that he hates Republicans and he hates hippies. He’s a man without a country. I feel that way about everything, including my magical practice.

I’m not a Wiccan. I respect the cycles of nature, but I am not compelled by them. Ceremonial magick is what moves me, but I am not a Judeo-Christian (Golden Dawn, Rosicrucians), or a Thelemite (A.’.A.’., OTO), and I am not a hardcore worshipper of chaos (IOT?).

Perhaps my chaos brethren will be more understanding if anything else. Until then, I will continue my own practice, building my own system, and keep looking for answers and kinship.