Tag: coffin texts

Frater T Explains the Egyptian Coffin Texts Spell 7

This one is particularly awesome, and you know why.

“The vindication of a man against his foes is brought about in the realm of the dead. The earth was hacked up when the Rivals fought, their feet scooped out the sacred pool in On . Now comes Thoth adorned with his dignity, for Atum has ennobled him with strength, and the Two Great Ladies are pleased with him. So the fighting is ended, the tumult is stopped, the fire which went forth is quenched, the anger in the presence of the Tribunal of the God is calmed, and it sits to give judgement in the presence of Geb.”

Interpretation: In life, you been fighting with people all the time and now you think you gonna carry on that way in the land of the dead. But you ain’t. ‘Cause Thoth is coming to give you the smack down and you gonna halve to calm your tits.

“And the Two Great Ladies are pleased with him.” Oh, yeah. 

Frater T Explains the Egyptian Coffin Texts Spell 6

“How great is the monthly festival of the height of heaven, even the festival of the New Moon! The finger is removed from upon you, your trembling is taken away, since you have planted the plume at the horizon, at the place where are those who know you. You suck at your mother Sothis as your nurse who is in the horizon, Isis sits by you, she makes you bright, she makes for you fair ways of vindication against your foes, and those who would have judgement against you in the realm of the dead on this happy day.”

Interpretation: There’s gonna be some dope ass parties after you’re dead.

Frater T Explains the Egyptian Coffin Texts Pt 4

Okay, I’ll stop now (unless people really want me to continue with this spell by spell). But I will leave you with this:

The Egyptian Coffin Texts, in their entirety, are a receipt for the bribe you paid the temple priests. You see they are promising to say prayers for you long after you are dead. Essentially, you’ll have a bunch of highly trained magicians treating you like a great ancestor. This is spiritual currency in the land of the dead. The whole purpose of this is so you have a good time in the afterlife.

Frater T Explains the Egyptian Coffin Texts

Spell 3

“Ho! Take your staff, your loincloth and your sandals, and go down to the Tribunal, that you may be vindicated against your foes, male or female, against those who would harm you, and those who would have judgement against you in the Tribunal of Osiris on this happy day.”

Frater T’s Interpretation: Get your shit together, now. For the Day of the Lord cometh, like a thief in the night. If you fucked up, the gods will not be on your side. Appease the gods through Ma’at living. And if you have shortcomings make sure you have a good lawyer in the afterlife.

Frater T Explains the Egyptian Coffin Texts

Spell 2

“Geb has commanded, and the Double Lion has repeated, that you be given your soul which is in the earth and your shade which is in the hidden places.

Ho! Raise yourself, that you may be vindicated against your foes.”

Frater T’s Interpretation: When you dead, all them motherfuckers who talked shit about you when you were alive will be bragging to people that they were your friend.